That's a great, in-depth discussion with Emi and it touches on so many aspects of her and her nuances (and the nuances in her book). I think, part of the challenges for anyone and everyone is this one line she said in the article - "I didn't have words for it, in part because the word “hoarding” was not a part of the vocabulary." Often time, it's not that we don't have a voice, but we don't have the vocabulary to say how we feel or what's wrong. It's like the idea of "normal." If you grew up in a house in which the parents are abusive or have mental challenges or love you, that's your normal. You wouldn't know if it's how other households are like until you have been there. The same goes with the place you work, the country you live in and all that - and in a way, you have to keep telling yourself that "this isn't normal, and I need to get out of here" even when you are "stuck" in a situation, so it doesn't turn into your new normal.
I also think that everyone deserves to have a voice because often time, we like to put words into people's mouth and therefore, we have ignored that "screaming for help" similar to how Emi's mom and physicians are constantly putting words in her mouth. But still, if we don't have the vocabulary to say what we feel, it can be a challenge.
Lastly, I personally think writing is and can be very therapeutic, especially when you have someone to share with that's nonjudgmental about what you are going through, and it's also a way for you to process a lot of different thoughts and ideas and thinkings. When I was in my 20s I met someone on CompuServe whom I have these long emails back and fourth, and it helped me get through some challenging time. I often joked that "I don't need to worry about my mid-life crisis since I already had it in my 20s" =)
Sometimes it takes a lifetime of learning and experience to figure that out and then some more to figure out someone is trying to communicate something they don’t quite know how to yet. Or to have that instinct that someone is in trouble but don’t know how to reach out for help.
Great interview and story. I also was in a very disfunctional family and because parents struggle with communication the kids have to adapt to their situation. When that happens it affects their ability to communicate with their children. It’s sad but at least we can change that and hope for a better outcome with our children
"I'm an engineer by training. I investigated every possible bridge. I have concluded that there is no bridge in the logical world."
and
"We have an Alcoholics Anonymous model in the US. You have to say, "I'm Emi, I'm an anorexic." But as soon as you do that, it's part of your identity, and you can't just start eating—you have to confront your entire identity."
The first line I like because, as I read Emi's book, I can see that engineer thinking embedded there, and it's always fun to find someone who think alike.
As for the second line, I really love how she described one's identity because, in a way, we are/have been defined by labels - not who you are, but who you are expected to be, i.e. a good son, a perfect student, and if for most, they are "trapped" in those identities, hence the mid-life crisis. Many years ago, when I started talking to this person I met on CompuServe, we actually had some in-depth discussion about those roles/identities/labels and how they affect us, and at some point, I pretty much make the conscious decision to stop letting those labels identify me. It's like "oh you are so smart! Before: I am above average. After: Yes I am. I am really that smart with no apology." I am not being cocky or pompous, and my abilities do show me to be that, so why say otherwise only because Chinese people are supposed to be humble and lowkey about a lot of things (plus, this doesn't work well in the US).
There are a lot of nuggests in this interview, and re-reading it gave me a lot of food for thoughts
That's a great, in-depth discussion with Emi and it touches on so many aspects of her and her nuances (and the nuances in her book). I think, part of the challenges for anyone and everyone is this one line she said in the article - "I didn't have words for it, in part because the word “hoarding” was not a part of the vocabulary." Often time, it's not that we don't have a voice, but we don't have the vocabulary to say how we feel or what's wrong. It's like the idea of "normal." If you grew up in a house in which the parents are abusive or have mental challenges or love you, that's your normal. You wouldn't know if it's how other households are like until you have been there. The same goes with the place you work, the country you live in and all that - and in a way, you have to keep telling yourself that "this isn't normal, and I need to get out of here" even when you are "stuck" in a situation, so it doesn't turn into your new normal.
I also think that everyone deserves to have a voice because often time, we like to put words into people's mouth and therefore, we have ignored that "screaming for help" similar to how Emi's mom and physicians are constantly putting words in her mouth. But still, if we don't have the vocabulary to say what we feel, it can be a challenge.
Lastly, I personally think writing is and can be very therapeutic, especially when you have someone to share with that's nonjudgmental about what you are going through, and it's also a way for you to process a lot of different thoughts and ideas and thinkings. When I was in my 20s I met someone on CompuServe whom I have these long emails back and fourth, and it helped me get through some challenging time. I often joked that "I don't need to worry about my mid-life crisis since I already had it in my 20s" =)
Completely agree Sherman. Developing the vocabulary to accurately describe our experiences is so critical. Thank you for your thoughts!
Sometimes it takes a lifetime of learning and experience to figure that out and then some more to figure out someone is trying to communicate something they don’t quite know how to yet. Or to have that instinct that someone is in trouble but don’t know how to reach out for help.
I love you Emi
Awww 🥰 love her too!!!
Great interview and story. I also was in a very disfunctional family and because parents struggle with communication the kids have to adapt to their situation. When that happens it affects their ability to communicate with their children. It’s sad but at least we can change that and hope for a better outcome with our children
Thank you, Matt. Agree- I think every generation is trying to improve a little on what came before. Sending strength your way.
The other 2 lines that I like are:
"I'm an engineer by training. I investigated every possible bridge. I have concluded that there is no bridge in the logical world."
and
"We have an Alcoholics Anonymous model in the US. You have to say, "I'm Emi, I'm an anorexic." But as soon as you do that, it's part of your identity, and you can't just start eating—you have to confront your entire identity."
The first line I like because, as I read Emi's book, I can see that engineer thinking embedded there, and it's always fun to find someone who think alike.
As for the second line, I really love how she described one's identity because, in a way, we are/have been defined by labels - not who you are, but who you are expected to be, i.e. a good son, a perfect student, and if for most, they are "trapped" in those identities, hence the mid-life crisis. Many years ago, when I started talking to this person I met on CompuServe, we actually had some in-depth discussion about those roles/identities/labels and how they affect us, and at some point, I pretty much make the conscious decision to stop letting those labels identify me. It's like "oh you are so smart! Before: I am above average. After: Yes I am. I am really that smart with no apology." I am not being cocky or pompous, and my abilities do show me to be that, so why say otherwise only because Chinese people are supposed to be humble and lowkey about a lot of things (plus, this doesn't work well in the US).
There are a lot of nuggests in this interview, and re-reading it gave me a lot of food for thoughts
A fascinating and compelling interview - thanks for going in-depth - and for sharing this important story.